http://www.jackiecollins.com/

Okay well I havn't updated in a while. I've been in a moody attitude lately.. Just got over the case of the blahs and so now I guess I'll update with the book im reading.

I got it last monday at Sam's club. It's called Jackie Collins: Lovers & Players - a Novel. So far im only on chapter 21 but alot has happened since page one, lol. Its about a bunch of diffrent characters but I wanna share with you what I havnt found to be the most juicest part so far. First of all , to let you know, the book is based on the Diamond family: Red Diamond (the hard father of three children), Chris , Max, and Jett Diamond (his kids, who he beat and taught hard life lessons). The kids (well.. their actually all in their 20's or 30's) are all summond to New York to have a meeting with their father, whom they have not seen in 3 years, and they werent looking forward to it. The people I wanna tell you about has to do with Max , his fiancee Amy, her friends Tina and Veronica, and some handsome mysterous guy. Lets see if you can piece togeather why i think its so juicey. Max and Amy are about to get married in a week. && before every marriage there is the traditional bacholer parties for the men and women. Amy's is up first. && her friends are setting it up. I don't think her friends are a good influence but they insisted that she let go and go wild on her last chance to do something she will never get to do again. Oh, btw Amy is in her mid 20's and has never had sex. Nor has she ever done anything remotley intimate. So what her friends mean for her to do is get drucken, wild and have sex so later on in her tied down relationship she cant say " i never knew what was out there ".. So after fighting her friends for a few days she finally gives in and decided their right and to party hard for one night ( she wasnt exactly up for the sex thing, she hadnt agreed to that pard). But she done things she has never been able to do before such as smoking weed and drinking heavy. After their lap dances with the male strippers she and her friends made their way to Gatsby, a club , and after a while they started talking to the people in the next booth, two guys and one girl. One guy in particular caught Amy's eye, very very handsome. He noticed her too and before long they were talking one on one and made their way to the dance floor ... Well after a few minutes of dancing on came the heavy making out and the question was popped " Do you wanna come back to my place?" && of course, so intoxicated and blown away by this guy she accepted and they ended up at his house.. acutally.. it wasnt HIS house, it was his friend's Sam Lucas'. Sam was letting this guy borrow his house because he needed a place to stay when he flew in from Italy to New York ( he was visiting New York to visit his father Red Diamond who called a meeting for him on Monday) and ironically, sam was leaving New York the same weekend this guy needed the house. So, they are at Sam's house and they end up on the bed, Duh. And well.. uhh they start to go at it, atleast TRIES. But this guy soon realizes this girl is a virgin. So he stops and shes like " dont stop " and hes like " hey youve been drinking alot tonight, and uhm ... your a virgin... I dont want you to do anything your gonna regret in the morning..." and she was like " Im not a virgin! (lies) I wanna feel you inside me" (o.0...) so he, who is so into this girl that he hardly even knows, continues and they "made love". The next morning Amy was up and gone before the guy she didnt even know the name of woke up. That afternoon she was having tea with her fiancee and his kid ( he has one kid and an ex-wife ) && she felt so guilty -- read the dialog -- " What kind of a show did the girls put on for you" he inquired. " Naked firemen? A cop with a boom box? Not male strippers, I hope." "Oh no," she said quickly. " Nothing like that. We just sat around talking and had a few drinks." "You dont drink," he pointed out. " I do sometimes. I drink champagne." "That's what I love about you, Amy, you're diffrent from other girls. You havent run around this city jumping into bed with every rich guy you see. You're a beautiful, pure girl and thats why I love you." "Pure! Pure! Pure!" Lulu chanted in a loud voice, sneaking a sly, vindictive look at Amy. ^^ She felt so guilty.. Did you get the drama part? Give ya a moment to think about it before I tell you....
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
....................
The handsome guy she slept with was Jett Diamond. Max's brother... && Amy nor Jett knew who each other were, nor that they were some how connected.. Oooooh I love this book... && the Arthur, shes great...

Friendship (interesting)

(Kind of Long Entry. But very interesting if you start reading it.., please excuse the cussing, I took some words out.. but I was so upset I didnt care at the time.)



Well last night, I let out whats been bothering me to tim (about him). First I told Mark what was up. && He suggested me and him just becoming aquantences. && My heart dropped at the thought of me and Tim just being.... aquantences... bleh. Im not gonna explain it I wont make much sence so i'll just show you bits and pieces of the letters.

Me (To Him) - ->

God... you know I dont know where to begin , but lets start off with forgiving myself for caving and breaking in by IMing you ( I would of called but I know better, you ignore my calls ).. && I wanna give you some time to think about this.. First of all, I would like to share my feelings with you, yea .. Something you don't care about but for a minute im asking you to care.

Now lemme ask you this. In our ENTIRE friendship. I can honestly say I have never talked bad about you behind your back and ment it. I may say " god hes pissing me off right now " but nothing more than that. I would NEVER, talk bad about someone like you , the person who has been there for me threw everything, the person I look up to and love as a very very close friend {almost family}.. I hope your consence is getting to you by now. If not let me continue. WHEN have I ever turned you down when you needed some guidence or help?


Then later in the letter I was like


I always care about you and your feelings, cause thats how you treated me for the longest time. If you still clueless as to where I'm going then I'll just say it flat out , plain and simple. Timothy Ray Burcham , I hope you know you have hurt me so bad. So bad to know that I mean hardly anything to you. I must not mean anything to you if you can be a two faced bitch.

If you can be bestfriends with me when were alone or on the phone or talking on the computer. But when your around other people you treat me like shit, like I'm just some chick who you think is annoying. Or how about when I'm not even around and you tell other people you dont like me and you think Im so annoying and you wish id shut up half the time (and dont even begin to think to tell me diffrently because i was told that by one person and confirmed by a neutral source. && when im around you and your little buddies you act like you hardly know me. It pisses me off so bad cause I dont do you like that, and what gives you the right to act superior???

What the hell has gotten into you? Its like all of a sudden you dont give a shit, and obviously you DONT . Because if you cared half as much as I did , you'd be writing me an letter, not the other way around! So heres what you can think about Tim. You have the choice of either letting go of the past year and a half of our friendship (ALL the shit we've been threw and all the times we were there for each other), or you can show some desancey and act like your my friend atle- no, im tierd of you acting, thats the problem, what was I thinking.

Tim your either my friend, or your not anymore.. Thats what it boils down to. Because even mark thinks its ridiculas and suggested this :rock63357: just be an "acquaintance" 2 him: My heart droped at the thought of me and you just being "acquantences" but im tierd of you treating me this way, i dont wanna hide it anymore... You wont change and you hurt me and it seems as if you know it and you enjoy it.. So think about what I said. God knows this is my last attempt at making things right.. You showed no signs of even trying to set things right.. So for the last time I'll give in and show you how much I care, I love you. Good night...

^^ I sent that to him threw IM and this morning he sent me this threw myspace..

Him ( To me ) - - >


Alot of thoughts are in my head after reading your messages, but thanks Kaley. For the first time in God knows how long, I'm utterly speachless. I don't know what to say.

Most of my thoughts are excuses, and I realize that. So I won't feed you that bullshit. Instead I'll give you the truth.

I could go on and on about how I'm acting this way because of what went on with Alysha, and that I'm still pissed at generally everything, or some crap like that. Or about how I'm turning back into 'the old Tim', more crap like that.

But that'd be a lie.
This shit isn't about me. Its about how I act. I have a bad habbit of always doing my best to work my way out of things by putting blame on other people to make them seem like the bad-guy. Let me make a sincere apalogy for that, I get it from my mother, more or less.

I said some things along the lines of what you messaged me with. I say that only to confirm it. All I honestly remember saying was that your annoying, and you are, and I've told you that. What annoys me is that you like to throw stuff, like cans full of whatevers in them, even though you know an accident is bound to happen.

I really don't want to hurt you by saying that, but all I have to say is what I feel right now.

If anything makes you feel better, I guess it'll be this.
I'm sitting on a rather tall horse right now, and I'm letting alot of things get in the way of what I know is more important. I feel like I'm big and bad, but all it takes is a few chosen words from Kaley Elizabeth to bring me back to reality.

Nows the part where I guess I mope and complain.
I don't answer my mom's calls anymore. You know I love my mom, but yet I refuse to talk to her.

You and my mom have quite a few things in common (expect your sane ^.^). You both are making (or made) some bad decitions. How am I supposed to answer your calls and tell you anything if I don't even have the right to say the bias things I think anyway?
I can't tell you what I really want to. It'd be hypocrytical.
I can't tell you to stop hanging aroung Megan, because shes brought you no-good, but I know if I were you, I'd tell myself to fuck off.

Now I guess I'll answer your question..
I'm not your friend. I could never be your friend. I figured that out a long time ago.
I figured out.. that we can't just be friends. Friends are people that talk sometimes, that nod to each other in the halls, or hug.
Your my bestfriend, Kaley. You've always fucking been there for me.. which makes this so much harder.
I wanted a hug from you friday.. so that.. I could feel better about myself. I knew I fucked up. The night before, I did alot of thinking, and I knew I hurt you. But thats just more reason for me not to talk to you. If I'm not a part of your life, I can't hurt you, right?..

(^^^^ That part had me in tears for a few minutes....-Kaley)

This is really your decition.
Its up to you what you want to happen.
I'll comprimise, though.
If you give me a hug, I'll promise to get down off my horse and walk it instead. Even if you decide to kick me out completely.

I ask that because if I die next week, and never gave you that hug, then I would die knowing that I never got to tell you that I loved you, to your face, one last time. Kaley Elizabeth Carroll, I love you, and I owe you more then my life's worth.

PS- You don't have to belive I'm sincere, not at all. If you think this is an act, thats fine. But just please give me that hug I asked for. Risking one hug to kick me off my throne can't hurt, can it? I can't think of any other sincere reason to beg for a hug from you.

------------------

=(... I really do love him... I've never had someone like him before && I don't wanna loose him. If I did I'd loose a part of him. (For all you that dont know about me and Tim that much, when I say love.. I mean it like a family type love...)

But anyway, thats whats been up. && Prolly whats had my panties up in a wad for the past few days.. Im just glad I got it out and got a response..

<3
Kaley

Pretending things are alright...

This morning I woke up , still cramping and starving. So I go in the kitchen and dad is in the living room && he see's me and tells me to go put on clothes and that there was 2 boys here and didnt need to see me in my underwear ( Yea, okay they were outside at that moment and I was only going in the kitchen to get some midol and go back to bed, and the underwear I was wearing was boy shorts kinda) && so I said okay and went back to bed for a lil while and couldnt get to sleep. So I got up to get something to eat ( I decided i wanted cereal ) && I was cramping really bad and girls you know how it hurts to stretch your arms above your head when your like that (our cereal is high up) So I went in the living room and asked mom if she would make me some cereal and dad snapped at me and said in a mean voice " Your PERFECTLY capable of getting it YOURSELF" && I kinda ignored it and said " Please mom? It hurts to stretch" && so she got up and dad was starting me down and I asked him in a very calm voice (It was was to early to raise it, so you know im telling the truth) " Dad why are you riding me today?" and he blew up.. " WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY AM I RIDING YOU??" The rest of his words faded in my mind ( Nowa days when starts yelling I'll mentally block of what hes saying and just walk away) and as I was walking away he kicked the table, and broke a few glasses and Nikki came running down the hall as I entered it asking what was up.. I told her he got pissed and continued into my room where I locked the door and turned up my music... Soo just a few minutes ago (hours later) I asked Nikki where dad was and she said he was moving into the shop and I laughed and asked what happened between him and her and she gave me this look and rambled on saying : " I told him not to hollar in the house when there was two little boys just a room away and he said he didnt care if they heard, and that they could go outside && then he brought up how Jess had no right to say what he said the other night ( jess said in quote: ; Scooter, honestly I dont care what you've done ;) and I (Nikki) said that atleast Jess was being a bigger person by saying he was sorry and trying to make things right and atleast he was being the better person by doing that , something you have never done in your life time and never will . You dont even have the decency to forgive him" and she said " && That pissed him off even more , really bad, and he said he was moving into the shop"
^ See what I go threw on a weekly bases? =)

Cleansingness && Forgivness

Okay, so I'm at my friend Vanessa's house and she fell asleep on me. I too would be asleep, but my stomach pains are a bit unbearable. Plus I have alot on my mind as it is... I don't know where to start... Let's start with last night. I spilled my insperaitional life (err... well past 6 months atleast) story to my ex-boyfriend Mark Tate. && lemme tell you, I feel soo much better now that I told someone. It took a total of 3 hours to tell, but wow... I guess you could say it was worth it.. I don't usually tell people my very private secrets, butttt for some reason.. Let me tell you a little about Mark. Some people refer to him as Jesus.. Lol, he is a totally understanding, very caring person. && lately I've been talking too him. Which is kinda strange because after we broke up we really never talked (My life changing story took place a little after we broke up). But, I can't put my finger on it but I think God wanted me to let it out?? I've kept it bottled up inside for so long. && It's been tearing me apart.. I've beat myself up for what I've did and I've balmed everything on myself, even the stuff I wasn't guilty for. && I asked for forgivness that night, and I forgave myself for everything thats happened. I used to , regret everything... But, I'm actually glad it happened, I'm a much better person now and I can see it. I've still got my flaws..but who doesnt??
&& The last thing on my mind is... I've been thinking lately.. I need someone in my life.. && if you know me at all you'd laugh at me. Im way to picky, and I can't keep a person in my life for more than 2 months? Why is that?? Everyone else dates for years at a time, but yet I'm anti-dating? I'm starting to get scared that I'm gonna end up like the old lady down the street with a million cats , all alone. (( Yea, im just in highschool, but ever since.... the begining of my time of guys my attitude towards guys hasnt changed. && If it stays that way, Im SOL))
Any advice?

<3
Kaley

Someone needs to slap her.

Ms.Rohnetta Johnson...