Friendship (interesting)

(Kind of Long Entry. But very interesting if you start reading it.., please excuse the cussing, I took some words out.. but I was so upset I didnt care at the time.)



Well last night, I let out whats been bothering me to tim (about him). First I told Mark what was up. && He suggested me and him just becoming aquantences. && My heart dropped at the thought of me and Tim just being.... aquantences... bleh. Im not gonna explain it I wont make much sence so i'll just show you bits and pieces of the letters.

Me (To Him) - ->

God... you know I dont know where to begin , but lets start off with forgiving myself for caving and breaking in by IMing you ( I would of called but I know better, you ignore my calls ).. && I wanna give you some time to think about this.. First of all, I would like to share my feelings with you, yea .. Something you don't care about but for a minute im asking you to care.

Now lemme ask you this. In our ENTIRE friendship. I can honestly say I have never talked bad about you behind your back and ment it. I may say " god hes pissing me off right now " but nothing more than that. I would NEVER, talk bad about someone like you , the person who has been there for me threw everything, the person I look up to and love as a very very close friend {almost family}.. I hope your consence is getting to you by now. If not let me continue. WHEN have I ever turned you down when you needed some guidence or help?


Then later in the letter I was like


I always care about you and your feelings, cause thats how you treated me for the longest time. If you still clueless as to where I'm going then I'll just say it flat out , plain and simple. Timothy Ray Burcham , I hope you know you have hurt me so bad. So bad to know that I mean hardly anything to you. I must not mean anything to you if you can be a two faced bitch.

If you can be bestfriends with me when were alone or on the phone or talking on the computer. But when your around other people you treat me like shit, like I'm just some chick who you think is annoying. Or how about when I'm not even around and you tell other people you dont like me and you think Im so annoying and you wish id shut up half the time (and dont even begin to think to tell me diffrently because i was told that by one person and confirmed by a neutral source. && when im around you and your little buddies you act like you hardly know me. It pisses me off so bad cause I dont do you like that, and what gives you the right to act superior???

What the hell has gotten into you? Its like all of a sudden you dont give a shit, and obviously you DONT . Because if you cared half as much as I did , you'd be writing me an letter, not the other way around! So heres what you can think about Tim. You have the choice of either letting go of the past year and a half of our friendship (ALL the shit we've been threw and all the times we were there for each other), or you can show some desancey and act like your my friend atle- no, im tierd of you acting, thats the problem, what was I thinking.

Tim your either my friend, or your not anymore.. Thats what it boils down to. Because even mark thinks its ridiculas and suggested this :rock63357: just be an "acquaintance" 2 him: My heart droped at the thought of me and you just being "acquantences" but im tierd of you treating me this way, i dont wanna hide it anymore... You wont change and you hurt me and it seems as if you know it and you enjoy it.. So think about what I said. God knows this is my last attempt at making things right.. You showed no signs of even trying to set things right.. So for the last time I'll give in and show you how much I care, I love you. Good night...

^^ I sent that to him threw IM and this morning he sent me this threw myspace..

Him ( To me ) - - >


Alot of thoughts are in my head after reading your messages, but thanks Kaley. For the first time in God knows how long, I'm utterly speachless. I don't know what to say.

Most of my thoughts are excuses, and I realize that. So I won't feed you that bullshit. Instead I'll give you the truth.

I could go on and on about how I'm acting this way because of what went on with Alysha, and that I'm still pissed at generally everything, or some crap like that. Or about how I'm turning back into 'the old Tim', more crap like that.

But that'd be a lie.
This shit isn't about me. Its about how I act. I have a bad habbit of always doing my best to work my way out of things by putting blame on other people to make them seem like the bad-guy. Let me make a sincere apalogy for that, I get it from my mother, more or less.

I said some things along the lines of what you messaged me with. I say that only to confirm it. All I honestly remember saying was that your annoying, and you are, and I've told you that. What annoys me is that you like to throw stuff, like cans full of whatevers in them, even though you know an accident is bound to happen.

I really don't want to hurt you by saying that, but all I have to say is what I feel right now.

If anything makes you feel better, I guess it'll be this.
I'm sitting on a rather tall horse right now, and I'm letting alot of things get in the way of what I know is more important. I feel like I'm big and bad, but all it takes is a few chosen words from Kaley Elizabeth to bring me back to reality.

Nows the part where I guess I mope and complain.
I don't answer my mom's calls anymore. You know I love my mom, but yet I refuse to talk to her.

You and my mom have quite a few things in common (expect your sane ^.^). You both are making (or made) some bad decitions. How am I supposed to answer your calls and tell you anything if I don't even have the right to say the bias things I think anyway?
I can't tell you what I really want to. It'd be hypocrytical.
I can't tell you to stop hanging aroung Megan, because shes brought you no-good, but I know if I were you, I'd tell myself to fuck off.

Now I guess I'll answer your question..
I'm not your friend. I could never be your friend. I figured that out a long time ago.
I figured out.. that we can't just be friends. Friends are people that talk sometimes, that nod to each other in the halls, or hug.
Your my bestfriend, Kaley. You've always fucking been there for me.. which makes this so much harder.
I wanted a hug from you friday.. so that.. I could feel better about myself. I knew I fucked up. The night before, I did alot of thinking, and I knew I hurt you. But thats just more reason for me not to talk to you. If I'm not a part of your life, I can't hurt you, right?..

(^^^^ That part had me in tears for a few minutes....-Kaley)

This is really your decition.
Its up to you what you want to happen.
I'll comprimise, though.
If you give me a hug, I'll promise to get down off my horse and walk it instead. Even if you decide to kick me out completely.

I ask that because if I die next week, and never gave you that hug, then I would die knowing that I never got to tell you that I loved you, to your face, one last time. Kaley Elizabeth Carroll, I love you, and I owe you more then my life's worth.

PS- You don't have to belive I'm sincere, not at all. If you think this is an act, thats fine. But just please give me that hug I asked for. Risking one hug to kick me off my throne can't hurt, can it? I can't think of any other sincere reason to beg for a hug from you.

------------------

=(... I really do love him... I've never had someone like him before && I don't wanna loose him. If I did I'd loose a part of him. (For all you that dont know about me and Tim that much, when I say love.. I mean it like a family type love...)

But anyway, thats whats been up. && Prolly whats had my panties up in a wad for the past few days.. Im just glad I got it out and got a response..

<3
Kaley