Mommy Dearest

This is an unusal way to start out a blog, usually your supposed to introduce yourself and type up some stories to get things started. But I'll skip all that and start with whats bothering me.

I'm not sure why, but sometimes at night I find myself crying. Crying because I'm scared that my mom is going to die sooner than when she needs to go. I'm also not quiet certain as to why I cry over her rather than dad or anyone else? They are just as likely to pass on just like my mom right? I don't know. It's diffrent, so it seems. I was just laying in bed a few minutes ago and I started thinking about what my sister and my aunt was talking about earlier today. Nikki brought up how mom was figuring how much she was going to be worth when she died (how much money we would get or whatever) and then Nikki says " I think she knows somethings wrong with her and she knows its almost her time ". Something like that anyway.. Her and Tracy also brought up something interesting. Mom is supposedly deeply depressed, which I don't doubt for a single second. She drinks a 12 pack of beer a day and atleast one pack of ciggerettes right along with it. I'm not sure how much longer her liver can hold? So anyway, I said to Nikki " Why don't we try talking to her? " and she had said " Theres no use, you cant talk to her". So I thought about it... and shes right. If you tell mom something , it either goes in one ear and out the other, or she takes it offensivly then goes and drinks another beer to forget about it.
As I was laying in bed, I began to conjur up ways to get mom to talk to me., to listen to me and actually think about what I say. I tell you , I could not think of one good way of doing it because I remember many of times trying to talk to her about certain things that she just shook off and didn't wanna listen. But, then I remembered, that night I snuck out with Ashley a few years back, I remember mom actually listening to me, taking in what I said and actually considering things I asked of. OH! And then there was just about a month ago. For a week there mom was so worried about me she'd talk to me for the longest time trying to help me out , even if I asked her to change some of her ways. So, I suppose the only time mom actually listens to me is when shes scared or worried about me. && I thought of the stupidest thing, I thought about doing something stupid just one more time, just once more so I jump at the oppertuinty to talk to mom, to let her know how I really feel and to let her know that her daughters are worried about her. We honestly do want her to be happy. **Whipes away tears** I hate seeing her drinking her life away. It hurts me because I need a mother to be here for me. && because its almost as if she doesn't care about me, Nikki, or Tina. She wants to die I guess, she wants to leave us here to mourn and mope.....Anyway, I asked God to watch over her. Me & Him havn't spoke in so long I don't know if he even listened.
I guess thats all, I'm not really sure of what I should do. I just know I'm not the type of person to sit around and watch something that shouldnt happen, happen.

<3
Kaley