~> Wrote all this last night... I skimmed it... && I was shocked at some of the things I said -.-; I kinda don't want you (Ethan) to see this.. but then again I didn't spend two hours writing this for nothing.. You can't get mad at me for this ... It would be like hating me for having feelings.. I love...
Well well well ^.^ Iiiiiiii starting off by saying I finally got my computer back.. Thank god, I thought I was going to end up committing suicide -.-;; (not.. literally) So now that its back I get to write ^.^ && writing always makes me feel better... So yeah.
I guess... There’s one thing most people don't get.. Or understand about me.. That or they misinterpret what I'm saying when I talk about making plans.. I'm just telling you this because me and Ethan had a misunderstanding earlier && I wanna explain myself for the hell of it.. Usually.. When I feel like someone would rather do something else rather than hang out with me. I'll ask them repeatedly if their sure they want to be with me instead of going off with someone else.. Its not that I'm trying to make it out like they don't want to hang out with me.. I'm just being an understanding person and I can take the fact that other people also have lives and they can go off with whom ever they want , and its fine 0.0 with me. See, that didn't make much sense so I just put it into situation form. Ethan, I know you want to hang out with me. I never doubt that , not even for a second.. (Maybe once or twice 0.0 but that’s cause the vibes were strong and I was PMS'n) But really, you don't have to hang out with me all the time. I'd love to.. really.. But I hang out with my friends in between times that we hang out. So why don't you hang out with your friend in between also? I just feel like a bad girlfriend. I feel like I'm hogging you or something. I mean, your my boyfriend and all. I have that right. But I don't want to hold you hostage all the time. Like last night. I really.. really don't like matt. && you think I'm soooo complicated , just be glad I'm not like most girlfriends who would of made you stay home and told Matt to go with someone else. Cause most girls will do that. I know, I've seen it first hand. Or even worse. Be glad I don't try to control your life and everything you do. i.e. (Tim, if you read this , I'm sorry -.-;;) Tim was talking to Ashley today about how she could come over after Ten. Or whenever he got back from getting his Wii. && she told him.. " No, I want to come over AT ten." [[ btw.. the store doesn't open till ten]] So yea, she basically told him he couldn't get his Wii and once he made it clear that he was going to go, and she had to wait . She said " You better not even think about playing it while I'm there or else I'll have to find me a new boyfriend". *deep sigh* I feel bad for Tim. But then again I don't, cause he handled the brat pretty well.. BUT, that’s besides the point. Point is, I do have bad traits. I am complicated (but seriously.. please stop saying I'm complicated after every action I take, there are appropriate times to say I'm complicated.. you know, like.. when I really am being complicated? rather than calling me complicated because you don't know a better way to put it.. It's really hurtful after a while..) but at least I don't do shit like that. I don't take you for granted, I don't boss you around, I DO spoil you, && I do love you. All I ask is you love me back. I don't care for dinners, gifts and car rides. They're fun , thoughtful and great. But I don't need those. I AM simple. When It comes to pleasing me. You've just got to learn how. && I told you how yesterday. Do you remember? The little things? That’s what matters most.. && saying I love you, more times than just when I say it and you reply..
Second of all.... I will admit I've been acting really odd lately.. I notice it and the way I've been acting has become a habit I guess you could say? I remember a time.. Not to long ago, where shit didn't bother me much. && I didn't cry. No. I pity those who cried over stupid boys or pointless family arguments.. That girl is still in there o.0. Her name is Kaley. That’s who I really am. I'm tough I don't cry and I sure as hell don't take shit to heart so much as I have been lately. But I can't figure out why I am now... Well.. I have been .. for a month I believe.. Its not only pissing Ethan off , its fucking me up too. Soo.. I had this long written out blog ... It started off like any other blog I've posted.. bitching and complaining about what was bothering me.. Then I started talking to Ethan.. about him not calling me or something.. Which -.-;I still think was pretty.. shitty but I over it.. && I stopped for a while and re-read everything I had written and I did a few lil dot thingys and basically let out everything I'm trying to get out.. && I JUST.. realized... I'm talking about something I totally didn't even plan on talking... So.. I gonna go back up there and type it in real quick.. although by the time you .. whoever you are, read this It'll already be in place and you'll prolly be confused... but just keep reading. So now that I rewrote that.. I forgot most of everything I wrote before that.. So I'm just gonna finish off by saying I'm done. Flat out done and fed up with who I am.. I have reasons for the way I've been acting.. But those reasons are stupid.. Wanna know the reasons? Ethan, baby. Let me put it as nicely... as I can possibly put it. Do not get pissed. Do not get offended.. People tell other people their bad qualities so they can be fixed! So they can be aware!!! Why the fuck do you think I'm working on bringing me back? Because you made it clear you didn't like who I am right now. && by god baby you fucking suck at reading me, you do not understand the things I say and what I really mean when I say it. && you can't call me complicated on that one because everyyyyyyone else has no problem reading in between the lines to what I really mean and how I really feel. By god, friends that aren't even my best friends know when I mean something else than what I really say. && you just aren't as touchyfuckingfeely as you should be. Yes 0.0. Should not as I want you to be.. First year or so couples who really.. love each other.. They don't get enough of each other? Whatever happened to " I can't get enough of you?" DO you even notice how you are when your around me now? You don't even kiss me the same anymore. && YES! YOU USED TO KISS ME DIFFERENTLY. =]. Cause I know your thinking " I haven't changed the way I kiss you " but of course YOU would say that because your the one whose changed and my feelings remain the same so I notice.. I notice how you feel like rubbing my back is a chore. Why else do you think I say " you can stop when you want to" or " You don't have to if you don’t want to" That’s cause girls come equipped with which 7 senses! The 7th being reading guys through their touch! && ohhh no.. I'm not saying you do this all the time, by God no. If you did it all the time then it would be a problem. Its not a problem now.. I mean.. Its just a bump that you should know about before it gets worse? Before I feel worse. Do you want me to feel bad? I know telling you this will not by and means change the way you love me and I know its not going to get different in a better way. Trust me, I've learned that. I learned that with Tim. People, will not change for other people. People have to change because THEY want to. Not because someone doesn't like the way they do things. So NO. I'm not asking you to love me more than I love you, no I'm not asking you to be happy about rubbing my back (I mean who the fuck asks for something like that? I get extreme pleasure out of doing things for you like rubbing your back or scratching your head, I understand that its different for other people) and no.. I'm not asking you to stay when I say Go. Quiet honestly I don't even know what I'm asking of you. I can't ask anything of you. I can't even ask you to have an input on this whole blog cause just like that letter you will have nothing to say to it. Or if you do you'll keep it in your thoughts. Because you gave up on trying to win a month ago. && that just tells me something I don't want to think about. Baby don't give up on me. I told you from the start. I'm hard to deal with, I'm hard headed and I can make you scream at times , but giving up on anything that has to do with me just makes me look at you like every other guy who has given up on me. Like everybody.. who has given up on me. && hearing that the one person that I care about most in this world. The one person who I made my fucking world and made my everything. To hear that he has given up on trying to convince me that he cares or tries when I feel otherwise because of an action he made, hurts.. so.. unbelievably much I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm going to forget it. I'm going to forget that along with all the times you left me crying, all the times you left when inside i screamed stay. I'm going to forget how unhappy I've been these past few weeks and start over. I don't.. care anymore. Baby I wont complain anymore. I won't get upset over the things you do... or .. don't.. do. I won't cry anymore, not when you leave. Not when you yell at me (which.. does happen , but not often) , not even late at night when I think about all this shit. I'm done crying. && I'm done being me. I'll become more like you so we can both be happy.. I happy now.. I've always been happy with you.. Don't think for a minute you make me unhappy.. Just certain things you do make me unhappy.. There is a difference.. But.. Expecting you to be like me, to do the little things I do and think the way I think is asking.. Way.. to much. That’s asking to much for anyone.. && I seeing that now. The only person to come close to being like me is Tim. &&.. I guess I just not used to having someone not know the real meaning of go.. and the real meaning of "im fine" or "its okay" . I not used to having someone not know what im thinking without even speaking.. && its because your so simple.. your simple im complicated . Tim was complicated.. Simple people never get complicated people and complicated people never understand simple people. Make any sense? So what am I to do? I changing. Writing all this out is what I've been needing to do. My feelings belong here and in your head, to your acknowledgment.. You happier now? I'm going to try to be simple. For you, because I want to. I'll go back to the way I was a month ago, so you won't leave me. So you won't get fed up with me and totally give up on me. You've given up on one thing. How long till its something else you give up on? I don't wanna continue the way I am and find out. I'm sure it wouldn't be long if I stayed this way. Am I right baby? Do you understand any of this? I think you should re-read it all before you come and talk to me ... You don't have to talk to me about this.. I know you don't plan on it baby. But still, you need to GET it. You need to GET I love you so unbelievablyfuckingmuch so god damn much it hurts , so much I'll change for you, I'll forget any and everything that has made me sad recently and be how you want me to be. && I have an idea of how you want me to be.. But really baby.. nvm I don't even know.. Because you said so yourself " if what i have been doing isn't enough, then i don't know what else to do " So forget even going into that subject.. cause like I said I can't change the way you do things.. I have to deal. But that opens up one more thing. I have no.. clue how your going to take it. I don't wanna hurt you but by god its a damn strong feeling I have. I love you more. I honestly.. honestly think you'll get tired of me. You will be the one to break up with me if it ever happens. You couldn't possibly feel the same way as I do. Two reasons. One- I tell/show you so much more.. Two- your not the one whose been crying.... Oh, and I'm no longer going to ask you to try harder anymore.. I want you to be able to do as much as you can to see me. Without me on the other line telling you to do so.. So , if we can't hang out because you didn't ask or you didn't try. Then so be it, I'll go do something else. Okay? I mean everything I've said.. && If I fall out of line, then let me know and I'll straighten up. Because I will admit this will take more than a few days to get back to who I was.
I think I'm done.. I really.. have taken my heart squeezed it empty.. I have nothing.. at all left to say.. Except baby... I hope you take everything I have said they way I want you to take it. Because if you take it any differently you'll think your a bad boyfriend or something like that. But your not. By no means are you a bad boyfriend. Your not worthless nor a piece of shit. Because I know you love me. You just have your way of showing it. You treat me like gold. Baby and your perfect. Your perfect for me and no body else We're two odd people who do weird things. Who say retarded things and act silly around each other. We love each other. && we're in love. Which is why I trust you enough to allow you to read my deepest thoughts and I know you don't mind reading this entirely too long blog entry.. I feel a lot better now *nods* I think I typed the depression out of me.. I think I gonna go now.. Its like.. 1138.. I gonna go have one last cry.. I'll have to force it out.. cause I'm .. well happy o.0 right now.. But Iii don't plan on crying any time soon.. So this is for old times sake ^.^ Bleh. Baby I love you so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so soo much. Okay? && I just letting you know all of this.. so you won't ask whats wrong anymore and so your not in the dark. K? *Mwah* *real kiss* I guess I see you tmr? Err. TODAY! ^.^ Depends.. on your family ^.^ Have fun with them if not.
p.s. Wow.. this ended up being a note to you -.-;; Damnit.. lol I swear to god ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ALLLL THAT is bipolar writing. -.-;; subject changes like crazy bwahahah. but you love me.
Labels: Thoughts
