FUCK THAT

iTS BEEN A WHILE SINCE i GOT ON HERE.. AND JUST READ THE PREVIOUS BLOG AND FUUCCCKKK THAT.. I was so emotionally fucked up then. I could not be without Ethan. Fuck me for taking him for granted like that -.-;

I wanna but I dont wannt...

Break up... Can't explain it so I won't.. Just thought I'd update this thing...
Wish this feeling would go away and I could settle for either one or the other. Cause if I was without him.. I'd be miserable as HELL.. But since I'm with him.. I just feel like its the right thing to do.. Not for good -.-;.. Hell no.. But.. 0.0 I'm shutting up now cause I just got this weird feeling I didn't even mean what I said.. I do want to be with him -.-;. I just want certain things to change.. Tis alll... Like.. like me =].. Now that I have explained shit that I said I wouldn't.. I'm gone.

Some things are better left unsaid.

KaLeY BaBy 13: so yeah.. i can't change..
KaLeY BaBy 13: and i care for him
KaLeY BaBy 13: a lot kinnis
KaLeY BaBy 13: thats why i keep pushing this break up thing
KaLeY BaBy 13: because i know
KaLeY BaBy 13: he can find someone a lot better.. you and i both know that
KinnisT31:
he doesnt feel that way
KinnisT31:
he loves u
KinnisT31:
lots
KinnisT31:
he just needs his own time sometiems
KaLeY BaBy 13: i keep hearing this
KinnisT31:
THEN Y DONT U GET IT?
KaLeY BaBy 13: CAUSE I KEEP GIVING HIM SPACE
KaLeY BaBy 13: AND ITS NEVER ENOUGH
KaLeY BaBy 13: OUT OF 4 DAYS.. we've hung out once
KaLeY BaBy 13: waht does he want?
KinnisT31:
I DONT GET TO HANG OUT FOR BUT LIKE 3 DAYS IN 2 MONTHS I DONT WANNA HEA RIT
KinnisT31:
u have no idea
KaLeY BaBy 13: no i don't..
KinnisT31:
so enjoy wqhat u have
KinnisT31:
bc ti could b worse
KinnisT31:
enjoy the fact that a guy loves you
KinnisT31:
and wants you around
KaLeY BaBy 13: why you gotta make me cry =[...
KinnisT31:
because I dont ahve it anymore
KaLeY BaBy 13: i wanna hold him now.. and i can't..
KaLeY BaBy 13: i'm sorry..
KinnisT31:
enjoy what u have kaley
KaLeY BaBy 13: i'll try..
KinnisT31:
if u have to then just think about ebing in my position
KinnisT31:
19 months of being faithful and I am repaid with the opposite
KinnisT31:
enjoy that u ahve someone who lvoes u
KinnisT31:
and is faithful to u
KaLeY BaBy 13: i'll try but it takes time for someone to change..
KaLeY BaBy 13: i need to fix my past before i can do that
KaLeY BaBy 13: like my sister said
KinnisT31:
chyea
KaLeY BaBy 13: " you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else"
KaLeY BaBy 13: and i have to tell you kinnis i hate myself so bad..
KinnisT31:
there we go\
KinnisT31:
dont

But the thing is I can't help but hate myself.. No one understands that. You can't tell me to love myself and expect me to meraculously love myself... I'm very insecure, and I take it out on Ethan. Because he's the closest thing I've got to feeling like I mean something. If that makes sense.. If not, he has the power to make me feel like I'm the most important person in the world. He is very capible of doing that.. My parents, they make me feel like shit, and their way of "motivating me" is makeing me feel like a nobody. My sisters, they don't see how far I've come since I was 6. They still see me as a childish nonrespectful brat. So when things get hott, they call me out on being all of that and I'm not. I know that. But i'm constantly getting hurt by Ethan. When he doesn't say I love you, or tells me im beautyful. Even at the fact he hasn't (can't say ever cause he's done it once) explained to me how much I mean to him [[as if anything couldn't get worse i just had an episode with my dad, i'm to the point where i wanna run away.. - you know what? I can't finish this... Not now.. I'll come back..

Its a trust thing.

>=]... I am letting him take Brittiany to the mall Sometime this week..


Tis allllll I have to say for right now..
Trust me they'll be more..
I can almost count on it

Depression

Ionno, its funny to me.. Just last Sunday I was sitting here -.-; crying my soul out. Like, it was horrible.. To help you better understand how bad it was... It was a loud cry.. I couldn't contain myself anymore, then I started hyperventilating, it hurt to cry.. I felt so lost and unwanted.. I can't explain the feeling and quite frankly.I don't ever even wanna think about it.. But of course I have to get it out on here.. Cause I seem to only write about the bad on here.. So, That was last Sunday. Its Wednesday, and I feel sooo much better... Reminds me of what happened last year.. Actually.. Lassttt... April. I felt like I hit rock bottom.. && I stopped taking my birthcontrol.. Because I didn't give a shit if I bled all the time or didn't bleed at all I was just sick of it, and a week later I was as happy as could be and it only got better.. I got back on birthcontrol.. && I stopped taking it Monday.. Well during this little outburst I had sunday dad walked in, woke mom up and I ended up talking to them for a few hours and mom went online at her work th e next day and told me that Aleece.. The type of pill I'm taking has side effects such as.. Headaches, Stomachaches , Nausea, Mood swings, and depression.. WELL what do you know.. I found out what was making me so "depressed" and now its all gone ^.^... Also found out that taking tylenol lessens the effect of the birthcontrol pill and increases the side effects.. && I took tylenol.. a lot... 0.0 Bleh.. Oh well thats all gone and I feel better.. I should be back to total normalness in a week.. ^.^ Thennn on my next period I'll bleed like someone turned on the faucet up there. Like I bleed a llllllllot... I hated that I went through two super tampons in like. 30 minutse.. imagine that happening all fucking day.. Ya.. It was crazy.. But anyway.. Just letting you know everythings beter ^.^ I very happy and very happy with Ethan *squish*

Mmm...

KaLeY BaBy 13 (4:34:02 PM): .. are you there...
Viruses of Life (4:34:08 PM): yeah
KaLeY BaBy 13 (4:34:11 PM): ...
KaLeY BaBy 13 (4:34:13 PM): ok
KaLeY BaBy 13 (4:34:33 PM): still doing applications or something?
Viruses of Life (4:34:42 PM): kinda
KaLeY BaBy 13 (4:34:53 PM): so is that a no to the movie?
Viruses of Life (4:35:03 PM): ....that and im broke
KaLeY BaBy 13 (4:35:19 PM): so i cant pay?
Viruses of Life (4:35:24 PM): nope > .<
KaLeY BaBy 13 (4:35:27 PM): so
KaLeY BaBy 13 (4:35:35 PM): you would rather sit at home.. and not see me?
KaLeY BaBy 13 (4:35:41 PM): just because you dont want me to pay for your ticket
KaLeY BaBy 13 (4:35:44 PM): when ive done it before?
Viruses of Life (4:36:02 PM): want me to come out and say it
Viruses of Life (4:36:05 PM): I WANT SPACE
Viruses of Life (4:36:10 PM): TAKE A HINTTTTT
KaLeY BaBy 13 (4:36:18 PM): i love
KaLeY BaBy 13 (4:36:20 PM): bye..
Viruses of Life (4:36:22 PM): i tryyy to be nice about it
KaLeY BaBy 13 (4:36:27 PM): BYEEEEEE
Viruses of Life (4:36:32 PM): i love BYEEE




He does not.. Know what he just got himself into.. Ohhh trust me.. If its space he wants.. Its space he'll get.. True, I told him to tell me when he wanted space I DIDNT FUCKING MEAN FOR HIM TO BE A TOTAL FUCKING RUDE ASS MOTHER FUCKER ABOUT IT. GODDDDDDDD I hate him right now.. I love him, true. But I hate him.. I'm tired of him.. So, space it is...

Everything

Well, *burp* (ewww i tasted sonic burger)
Okay.. Well anyway.. -.-;I made a semi big mistake.
It's not really a big big mistake that I wish I could take back.. It's just something
Me and Ethan both have to live with now ^.^.. Iiii made him my everything a while back.. now it's really kicking in.. I dunno if he knows it or not. But I super sad he's getting a job.. He just doesn't understand the fact that even tho he can only work 30 hours.. The rest of the week he won't want to do anything because he'll be wore out. -.-; So.. I trying to cling to him everyday until he gets a job that way I would of had my fill and what not.. -.-;..But nooo, tmr his whole day is taken up. How might you ask? Uhm well he's got to go job hunting after school.. Which doesn't take anymore than an hour. I wonder if he knows that all you do is walk in and ask for an application? Then walk your ass out?? Nothing really happens the first day.. So thats and hour. && oh god he's got to go home and hang up lights and help his dad with a few other things maybe.. THEN, oh.. this was pricelesss.. I kinda felt like he just threw it in there to make him look busyer so I wouldn't even bother asking about hanging out.. But he has to study for the ACT.. which.. is in Feb.. like.. helllllllo? Trying to stay away from me , much? Well ... -.-; k.. I be reasonable.. Maybe he ishnt trying to avoid me.. But still ... Doing a few things like that doesn't take up your whole day and night... So what the crap -.-;.. This whole.. me making him my everything stuff.. Is bad in THAT sense.. Because now I get upset when I can't be with him.. Especially over chrismtas lights -.-;;; I ended my social life when I started dating him.. I dunno why.. But I just wasn't really interested in hanging out with anyone anymore.. I had him. I have him. Now he's inching away becoming a grown up with work and what not, now I left being the lonely girlfriend who gets to sit and do nothing all day.. I would call someone, but I dunno.. I don't feel like it, ya know? I'm gonna be stuborn.. and do the " if I cant have it my way I wont have it anyway" type things.. SOB (less than sign) . (greater than sign) I can't make that face o.0 isnt it odd? It messes up what I write.. but yeah.. anyway. SO eventually.. Tmr we will both be out of things to do with a full day and night ahead of us. But , we wont be together.. Cause well.. I can't give you a proper reason... I really don't know a reason why we couldn't whenever he was done.. I think its a male thing . " I want my space, back off" type ordeals.. *shrugs* I going to go lay down now..

Reminder: I mussssst post about house later.. Just not now ^.^